“There will be no Butter in Hell,” but There will be Margarine

I hate margarine. It’s not normal nor does it taste good.

When I moved out of my parent’s house, I bought this vile spread—used it for baking. How I wish I could take back those years, but who could deny the price? On sale for $US 0.53 compared to the alternative butter option of over $US 2.00. (It was 1990!) The budget was tight and I did not know better. Plus I was, how do I put this delicately, frugal.

Thankfully with age comes some wisdom. The phrase “butter makes it better”—never a truer words shall be spoken (in this post). Life is too short.

Still, margarine is the cheaper option of the two but at what cost? Never mind the obvious taste issues, which can only be described as chemical aftertaste goo with a hint of partially hydrogenated water-oil emulsion. How could this be FOOD?!

But the good times will not stop there because butter has saturated fat. Which will kill you faster? Butter or Margarine?

“In this corner *echo echo* Butter!”

I picture a boxing ring, maybe a cage match. Butter in one corner, black kung fu belt loosely wrapped tied just ‘so’. Butter’s coach would be our friend Olive Oil (not from Popeye). He’s cold, frozen perhaps so hits from Margarine injure instead of cut into the cube. Margarine walks out from behind the curtain with entourage in tow. We would see Shortening and possibly a handy spray can “Pam”.

“Coming to the ring is *echo echo* Margarine! OK cubes, let’s have a clean fight! Get it on!”

They have fought each other before, many times. Butter wobbles to the center of the ring to meet Margarine who is malleable at best. They circle. Who will reign supreme? Both butter and margarine have the same amount of calories. Butter is slightly higher in saturated fat. Ouch. One for Margarine.

Butter comes back—and a left and a right and a right jab that’s taken off of a tablespoon of Margarine. Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 54% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a Harvard Medical study.

And here’s the killer again with a right and another left. Margarine just can’t stand because he knows that he decreases immune and insulin response and is very high in trans fatty acids.

Butter is on tonight. He bashed Margarine with a heavy thud right into the soft spot. There’s a gaping hole right through the opponents cube now. It’s brutality at its yummiest.

“We have a winner! *echo echo echo*…BUTTER!”

Whoo Hoo. Hell can wait.


2 responses to ““There will be no Butter in Hell,” but There will be Margarine

  1. This is a hilarious post. Like you, I hate margarine, although I grew up eating it, because it was “healthier”. Butter wins!!

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